Who is a mother? Is she the one who conceives and gives birth to the child ? Or is she the one who nourishes the child despite not giving birth to the child? Or is she the one who gives birth via surrogacy?
If a mother can be all the above then what would you call the one who loses the child even before it is born due to an abortion or a miscarriage ?
The moment a mother knows about her pregnancy, she has already begun conversations with her baby in the womb.
Such conversations begin right when the baby is conceived in the womb and play a huge role in strengthening the emotional bind between the two.
The relationship of a baby with it’s relatives is forged after birth but the one with its mother is already 9 months old at the time of delivery.
The woman who knows the pregnancy is going to be short-lived due to the abortion, is she really not a mother? Agreed, the world still doesn’t know about it but is that reason enough to not call her a mother?
The joy of becoming a mother is unparalleled. The mother feels intense intimacy with the baby right from the moment she begins to hear it’s heartbeat.
It felt as if I no longer had any wishes and desires of my own, I would only eat what the baby wished to eat. It was as if I needed nothing else, we were content in this small world of ours. We would talk to each other for hours in our own language of love and lift each other up in times of distress.
Alas, such rich experiences were never meant to be felt completely by me!
Due to stunted growth of the baby in the womb, doctors had strongly advised that we prematurely deliver the child in order to avoid putting the mother in harm’s way.
As a mother, I saw no way but to abort the child. Due to certain unfortunate circumstances many of us have had to lose our child which surely causes intense physical and mental trauma. Although, in this case, I had to terminate the baby with my own hands on my own volition.
All the intimacy and the feelings of joy slipped away from my hands like sand when the doctor gave us just a couple days time to decide the fate of the baby and the mother. The more nonchalant the doctor appeared, the more anxious I got about the decision.
I could sense my baby calling out to me, prodding me to let him live, begging me to not leave him alone. The pain of separation was heavy for both of us and I couldnt even do anything about it.
Those days suddenly felt priceless when I realised I cannot let them slip away in melancholy and also spoil it for my child. From singing lullabues to it in the night to having ice creams, I ensured that I did everything in my hands to make these two days full of joy and happiness.
As the days flashed in a jiffy, the closer the moment came where a tablet would destroy my baby forever. It was the most dreaded day in my life! It took a piece of my heart away from me, causing my baby’s breath to cease forever and at once! Sometimes I wonder where he is, if only I could see him just once.
The world would be quick to point out that I’m a woman and can conveniently bear another child. But they fail to understand the pain of separation and the sense of absolute loss. Neither can my baby ever return nor can it be replaced by anything or anyone. It is like a wound that can never heal with time.
Each time I hear his heartbeat throbbing in my ears, those memories come rushing, afresh and anew. Only to make my eyes moist and full of grief.
Regardless of the world thinks and says, a mother I am and will always be.
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